maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.