If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they鈥檙e not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I鈥檓 sorry.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 馃槉
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I鈥檓 surprised I have any cat left at all.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Ros茅 all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I need to find just the perfect men鈥檚 swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
What鈥檚 this sorcery? 馃槀
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
