i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?