“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.