We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.