I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.