[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?