Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.