*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.