Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.