I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool