Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble