Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.