[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
This could be us… but you playing
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup