Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.