I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I can easily control the weather.
– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
Just did a big green poo by a canal
