If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Monday?
No. Next question.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.