Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
LOL
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.