If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
This could be us… but you playing
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
LOL