*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”