My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.