By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera