*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.