Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong