I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.