My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”