My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Monday?
No. Next question.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …