My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*