I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
🤣could you imagine
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry