I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
🤣could you imagine
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust