after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Ugh but profoundly
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!