boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
*jazz hands*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.