11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
