I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
