Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
be safe out there!
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Look, a pure bread cat!
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
