hardest line in real life
there’s music for literally every activity
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
sweet dreams💖
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*