Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
#Caturday
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
mood
