Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
hear me out : pockets for your socks
starting a garage orchestra
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Planet of the Apps.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.