If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact