This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
*jazz hands*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.