I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.