The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Wake me when AI does housework
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what