The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The government even made aliens boring
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
