[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
#Caturday
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
mood
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.