My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
#Caturday
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
mood
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.