I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.