When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.