Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
get you a girl who
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle