I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
men are simple creatures
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.