[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real