My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry