Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.