Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
This is my emotional support knife.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously